A PERSONAL LETTER ON PRACTICE, THERAPY AND UNCERTAINTY
CELEBRATING 2 YEARS OF THE PRACTICE
The Practice was conceived during the early days of the first lockdown in 2020.
I’d for the first time since I began modeling at age 16, found myself in the same place for over a month (which sounds more fabulous than it actually is) with no expiration date in sight. I, like all of us, in each and our own way, faced a magnified stream of uncertainty. I say magnified because in reality, life is uncertain. Life is creation, ever changing, uncertain and really promises us nothing but life and death; the rest is space for us to fill in.
Uncertainty can through one lense, let’s call it fear, seems like the scariest thing you could ever encounter. Like an earthquake it could just swallow up the ground beneath you and leave you only with the road less traveled in return. Yet, through another lense, let’s call it Love, uncertainty can be a vast sea of infinite possibilities. The space of Aliveness and Creation. And due to the nature of uncertainty, you, only you, get to give it a direction and see what boomerangs back from the great Unknown. During the time of the first lockdown, I found myself grounded from my modeling career which was 100% my financial backbone while I was also about to end a thriving business endeavor which I’d launched a year earlier with a partner.
All this uncertainty left me unnerved but it also struck a cord that sounded true. It’s complex to be human. Only a few months earlier had I become aware of the fact that in my well-meaning and slightly urgent pursuit of serving the world the very best I could, I’d forgotten to serve myself and in return the light that burned so bright for the external world was creating an internal wildfire that was about to burn myself to the ground. Again.
In less than a year I had undergone major personal as professional transformation, spent 600 hours+ studying and practicing Kundalini Yoga, completed a teacher training, created, produced, organized and held workshops, retreats and panel talks, built two businesses, appeared on a dozen podcasts, events and festivals. I taught every Saturday, I made an effort to reply to every instagram inquiry I got, I traveled every week for work, and when I wasn’t traveling for work I was traveling to study Kundalini Yoga. I worked almost every hour of the day, from airports, the plane, hotel rooms (also sounds more fabulous than it actually is), in between lunch breaks when I was on photo shoots. Every day I woke up like a good yogi to do my hours long practice before the crack of dawn. Après-breakfast and before a 10-12 hours work day, I’d squeeze in a little more work, only to go straight to the airport to work a little more, and work a little more. And meanwhile, let me mind you that I, with absolutely no business experience or education, was building not one, but two businesses, based on living in greater alignment with yourself... Now I get the joke. Things happened when I began practicing Kundalini Yoga. And they happened fast. Like pearls on a string I began to access a newfound vitality, clarity, creativity, energy - the Universe boomeranged more of me back to me.
About this time 4 years ago, it felt as if life was just aligning in ways I didn’t think possible. I stopped relating to impossibilities and started relating to possibilities, and a newfound trust in who I was. But I also found myself in an hyper vigilant spiritual environment that encouraged us to “do dharma like your hair's on fire” and I remember thinking: “Fire?! I’m good at being on fire. Why only do dharma like my hair is on fire, when all of me can be on fire.” Now, I’m actually in no way against working hard or bootstrapping it. I acknowledge the sincere privilege and gift it is to move and create a business from my heart. But setting myself on fire for the sake of others was such a continuum of the old song of the wounded healer, and for me, a pure trauma bond with myself and my business. Because let’s be real, no one ever asked me to run this fire through me. No one but that part of me, now in a new spiritual lingo whispered: “not good enough… yet” When the wave of uncertainty hit a year later, it truly was the bucket of cold water I needed to tame the wildfire. To put it to sleep for a while. And then everything went very quiet.
Internal spaciousness grew like poppies on a field. I felt present; and in this presence I connected with corners of my being I hadn’t tended to for a while. And in return, once again, the Universe boomeranged more of me back to me.
One morning during my practice, which now had taken a very different rhythm than the hours-long-crack-of-dawn-rock-and-roll, I received the instructions to create what would later become The Practice. An accessible virtual space for people to experience Kundalini Yoga and Meditation while being guided and held. While the world was in lockdown, online gatherings were on the rise. I’d been teaching a few live classes, but it somehow didn’t feel right. Rather than trying to force something that could potentially become a *great business opportunity* I just let it all go. During the space in between The Practice was conceived.
That’s 2 years ago now and I’m so honored to have held the space for hundreds of you to explore this yogic technology through Body/Mind/Heart. Time feels so rich with all the change that’s been unfolding since then. My ode to truth and authenticity is to continue to create, explore, enjoy and work whilst undergoing rapid personal transformation myself. To not hold on to the known and familiar out of conformity. In that way I continue to be my own greatest testimony and example. That’s why the journey with The Practice and my own personal practice has changed through the ebb and flow of my internal unravelings. I reached a point last year, where I understood that it was time for me to no longer use my daily practice as an excuse to not be held and supported through therapy. I could do both.
So I entered therapy. I’d say that through my daily practice and the certain limitation of that space it, together with I, led me to a newfound healing. After years of therapy-résistance I was scared shitless that it would make me a fraud or even a traitor in the *eyes* of Kundalini Yoga (in certain Kundalini Yoga communities therapy is rather frowned upon… yes, I know) when I no longer solely relied on my practice for healing. Truth be told: therapy very quickly stole my heart or rather led me back into parts of my heart that I had shunned off. It guided me to an even deeper calling of holding therapeutic spaces, why I decided to start training as a trauma therapist this coming August. As I had initially feared there was a lot of programming, fear and ego tied around Kundalini Yoga. But in the light of Love it wasn’t scary at all. It was a relief. One gentle step at a time it all began to dissolve. Once again I found myself in what I thought to be unknown, uncertain territory which turned out to be me.
The fear of the fear turned out to be greater than facing the actual fear. It always is. The more identity I let go off, the more of me was boomeranged back to me. The more dogma and control thawed, the more original joy and freedom arose within my practice. I fell head over heels in love with Kundalini Yoga, yet again.
Uncertainty has left me with an incredible amount of space: more loving space, more vital space, more creative space, more curious space, more feeling space. More space to discover, create and gather in all the wonderful and beautiful ways that my heart yearns for. To connect, share and create with all of you.
So here’s to more space; more life, more vitality, more joy, more Love. The connections and the community The Practice has brought to life continues to be the nucleus of ILLUMINATION and I am so deeply grateful and inspired to continue to grow and expand into unknown territory of joy, love and liberation with all of you and all of me.
Thank you for being here.